Monday, March 12, 2007

A Little Veiled Conceit*

Veiled Conceit: A glimpse into that haven of superficial, pretentious, pseudo-aristocratic vanity: The NY Times' Wedding & Celebration Announcements

Before we begin this week's edition of Veiled Conceit, I'd like to give small public service announcement:

Do not, under any circumstances let your picture look like this:

Seriously. She's either ridiculously smug, or giving every pretentious male in the U.S. a 'come-hither' look. Maybe both. She was in the Peace Corps. I would say that ex-Peace Corps folk are usually highly pretentious about it, but the one's I know are actually quite nice. damn. She used to fight child trafficking in Nepal, but then she started working for Planned Parenthood, and you know what inappropriate trafficking joke goes here. As for the groom, Bob, he's totally oblivious, although his gaze is oddly mesmerizing.

Update: I just noticed the bride is 35. I swear officer. I know she looks 17, but at least she's old enough to know to lie, right?

Let's go to this week's vows couple, fine art photographer Alex Heilner and his bride to be Amy Scott. Let's look at some of his work, eh? I immediately went for the collection called 'microbes.' The best I can say is that the landscape photos are much better.

a colony of Penicillin Resistant E. statebuilding

It seems that Mr. H is known for his alphabetizing ability, and his annual scavenger hunt. He's also known for his list of desired girlfriend qualities, "An abridged version" said the Sunday Stylez Crew, "would include: brainy, creative, humble, funny, confident and energetic enough to go out every night. And one more thing: 'Hot. That was important.'" Translation: Hot. Re-translation: Hot, and willing to always put Queen II in front of Queen on Fire: Live at the Bowl because I comes before O, or U.

Let's look at the man himself...

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Any middle class pig can photograph himself in the bathroom mirror. But, the car mirror! Genius. Every car commercial every written satirized in a single, digital moment! Couldn't we get a better head-shot, you ask? Well, no. He's a small, Beetle-like figure in wedding picture A, and an out of focus cheek in wedding picture B.

He's definitely "small enough to fit in a guitar case"

According to the article, the couple married themselves, as is legal under Colorado law. What sort of pretentious yuppie Napoleon bullshit is this?

Napoleon: Also small enough to fit in a guitar case.

Buyers Remorse

As always, the real story is in the background...

He and Alex gaze at the same thing far to the right. Is it the open bar? The air conditioner? Or the next item on Alex's scavenger hunt of love? Only time will tell, but statistics say...

Finally, I'm going to try to convince Cara to help me out with a video, which may get updated in below.

*Veiled Conceit is the original idea of 'Zach' at Veiled Conceit

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